Friday Loh

Again come to the week i love most.. Friday.. but sad to say tomolo i got to work.. haiz.. but never mind.. tomolo is a special day.. do you now why?? BU YAO GENG NI JIANG .. haha ownself go guess.. but not much planning leh.. maybe after help Dear do his assigment then go pa lan with ah kor at parklane.. maybe go "guang gu" okin?? haha i think he dunno who am i also bah.. maybe can propose to Dear go take a photo.. I wan to TAKE PHOTO!!! keke.. so dear.. tomolo dress nice nice k?? *winks*

hmm thinking to go parklane.. will start to think of food.. what is there nice to eat?? maybe go the chicken rice recommend by a lot of ppl bah.. i give up on the wantan noodle.. i really dun like the way they cook.. and the fried wantan eee.. not my type...

Ok lah.. also time to go home le... now then i found out long time no update photo le.. heehee.. later if got time i use dear dear lappie to upload. IF only i will remember.. lol.. bb

Thursday.. Yippe.. but so tired

Did not sleep well last night.. wake up in the middle of the night at 3am.. took 30 mins to toss and turn b4 i get back to sleep again.. *yawns* this morning b4 i wake up i was dreaming of dad bah.. finally.. but the dream kinda unreal.. as at first i dream of him being buried which he was cremeted.. then he tell me he is being buried under a white stone.. ask me to get him out.. then after that the dreams contiune back at home i was folding those joss paper.. he say he did not collect those money.. dun burn those boxes with others as he cannot collect all snatch by others.. and he got not enough money to use.. he need huge amount of money.. haha funny thing.. i ask him.. what kind you need?? those joss paper or money?? he wanted those joss paper.. In the dream, kinda real.. and i feel he is there.. but thing he said so weird.. maybe dream is a way we will feel no matter what is real.. cannot believe.. i once dream of my big sis.. that one really is different.. i only see whole family and we were eating outside in a dark dark sea.. then sis say goodbye to me.. that was after she left a few month later.. i cry in that dreams.. so you think should i believe this one?? Anyway will buy more joss papers bah.. in case it is real.. i burn more loh.. who dun like money right??

March is ending le.. tomolo will be the last day.. so fast.. looking back.. already 25 days without my dad by our side.. slowly everyone getting used to it bah.. sis contiune to talk in her loud loud way.. mom try to control our everything.. esp. money.. brother in law.. as usual.. bo chap.. haha.. me.?? unhappy will hide inside the room to weep and cheer myself up by being alone.. that is me.. i cannot talk it out.. only through here.. glad that we have blogger invented..
I miss him.. really miss.. miss those plans we have made but can never fulfill together now.. Looking his past photo.. how plump he used to be.. and how the sickness cause him to be so skinny.. I hate mom.. she did not take care of her.. when dad is so sick.. and even after what the doctors have told her.. she still can go Genting a few weeks b4 he pass away.. that time.. Dad is already very weak.. she still got the heart to go.. WHY??? alot of thing i hides inside myself.. dun wish to talk and quarrel.. that what my dad dun wish to see .. my bad temper inhert by him.. but i cool down also becos of him.. dun wish to talk le.. everyday.. just let out a bit by bit.. throuhg here.. but i know.. i will never forgive my mom..

Sushi Tei

Been there once.. this is the second time i went with my colleagues.. hmm overall.. ok for the food.. as they are indeed very fresh.. esp.. the SASHIMI.. haha.. hmm not to forget the eel.. also call the UNAGI.. yum yum .. shall fix a day bring Dear to go try.. but must strike 4D first.. quite ex.. overall we 7 pax ate away 140+ yesterday night.. acually consider cheap.. AND not to forget that resturant must have miss out some order as we ownself calculate should be more than that amount.. keke..

Comparing the food variety for SUSHI TEI & SAKAE.. I think i prefer more on SAKAE.. erm.. they come with bento for those who are lazy to chose those dishes one by one.. and their sushi has more creation.. As for SUSHI TEI, my colleague wanted to order a cod fish bento also dun have.. so it is kinda weird if all of us eating similar food.. or just side dish.. moreover.. the MISO SOUP.. no soup provided.. I should say SUSHI TEI is a high end resturant with their quality of food .. but creation need to improve more..

Ever think .. When is the last time you tell you Dear, I miss you??
When is the last time you did something sweet for him?
Wonder from where start, the honeymoon period is gone?

Humans.. becos of time getting together is more frequent and more chances to see each other .. our little acts to show the other party we miss and care for him is lesser.. Slowly it turn to be taking for granted he should be there when you most needed him and he should be the one who care for you most instead, isn't it be two ways...

Being with Dear has already reaching 11 months.. and it is two more months to a year.. have been looking forward to it.. But i do reflect on what i have done all this time.. reading our past sms till the most recent one.. the sweetness has faded..those romantic sms already seem to be far away from us.. and i always make him angry.. haiz.. why am i always make those ppl around me angry.. becos of my temper?? I will try to change k.. been controlling a lot of my "xiao jie pi qi" .. Thanks Dear for giving in to me sometime.. I love you..

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How is your weekend going on?? My saturday a bit sat bah.. Friday Dear went to frenz house to do project so i was alone.. was watching vcd till very very tired then sleep.. I woke up very early on saturday to prepare breakfast for Dad.. then cannot sleep le.. i decided to give Dear a surprise .. i prepare myself and go find him.. This is a mistake bah.. i did not plan to go up his house as i was told i am not to go ppl house.. but dear dad know i am going.. and insist me to go up.. becos of this thing i know i put dear in a very diffcult position.. at time i really wish to turn my head and head home instead.. but i know i cannot.. like that the relationship between me and his family will be worse.. haiz.. so drag myself to his home.. on my way.. i try hard to walk very slow.. and controlling my tears not to drop.. but guess i fail.. the moment i got into his room.. i hug dear and broke down..i am scare.. i am scare i cannot see my dad.. why have to force me.. haiz..

SUnday.. we went to "bai bai" and then we all head to amk to have our lunch.. so tired.. my back is breaking.. lucky got dear there to hold me .. if not i sure collasp.. and then we went home to rest.. and not to be miss.. mahjong.. ha ha.. i won.. this time the most.. lady luck is with me bah.. but hor.. no money to claim de.. haha just play for fun..

Black Monday

hmm why is it black.. already so sleepy le.. the weather still so cooling to seduce you to continue to go sleep.. who can say it is not black.. haha .. i was the first one to reach office today.. so surprise.. wah first time use the office key to open the door.. so shiok.. haha confirm staff.. if not last time i got to wait outside..

Just get to know something.. not really happy.. well i am not suppose to put in any finger or leg into the situation as that belong to them. they have to settle it on their own.. glad that the one who accepting the truth is ok.. well maybe the one who is saying might seem to be the bad person.. she should have the predict he will be fine bah.. "those gone is gone.. can never get back" something like that i was told by him.. yah.. once it is gone.. it is just hard to get it back.. glad that he understand.. a more relieve for me le loh.. I not blaming her.. maybe i dunno him too much.. i just scare pushing him into a verge some foolish thing will just happen.. both are my frenz.. i just hope everything will settle in a nice way.. both will still be frenz.. my point.. do you understand?? I dun assume my thinking into yours.. cos i know that is unfair.. I am sorry if i was too harsh at words to you.. well everything is alright now.. hope you are getting better..

Almost 15 years of frenz le.. we cannot possible to be getting "break" becos of a guy bah.. and somemore not becos we both fall for one.. This is lame right?? You are not alone.. i am always here..

Friday Again

It is friday again.. tomolo i do not need to work.. so can sleep till late late.. and slack at home.. Dear will not be by my side tonight.. not sure am i use to it.. after what had happen Dear try to be by my side every moment.. but not to worry.. i got my "bao bao" with me to accompany tonight.. Hope his assignment able to finish just a night..

His temper today not that good.. maybe becos of his nose , maybe becos of his bag.. actually i do know why.. becos my clothes.. that should be the reason.. he has been eyeing on my clothes just scare i will let others see my "nais" so angry.. will he is fo rmy goodness too..

This sunday .. will be going to "gong ming san".. will be Dad 21 days.. and early go "bai bai for his "Qing Ming" sis bought a lot of thing for him.. yesterday.. think this saturday we have to burn oil to fold all the joss paper.. if not cannot be ontime to burn on sunday.

If you ask.. am i thinking of my dad.. Yes.. i still.. everyday go hope still hope to see him.. sitting on his favourite chair.. waiting for everyone get back home and have dinner together.. our practice.. to eat together ... always.. *smiling with tears* Everyone in the family dream of him le.. only me.. i still not .. why.. i miss him.. but why he dun come into my dream.. in the middle of night i will wake up for no reason.. just looking around and then get back to sleep.. i wake up the usual time i always do when he is around.. hoping to do more for him..clean his photo if it is dirty.. or just move his breakfast a bit.. maybe a easlier postion to eat.. which i always do when he is alive.. trying to let him have the best.. try all my might.. *stop.. to control tears* not sure when you all read this will you able to understand the feeling i have.. now.. anyway... time to stop crying and carry on to carry the burden on my shoulder.. I really wish.. you could help to carry my burden someday..

Bad month (March)

It has seem to be a bad month for a lot of ppl around me.. Yesterday I went to work without any pain.. but a few hours later i was in pain that came home almost crying le.. Food poisoning.. this is the first time i got food poisoning until so serious case.. used to be very strong .. haiz.. it almost make me cannot stand up and walk.. not becos of stomache but the cramp i was having inside the stomach.. at the moment i seem to have understand how my dad feel.. his pain.. compare to mine.. is actually nothing at all.. after that later in the night fever came.. i almost lose my temper every moment.. very uncomfortable feeling.. dear put the cold bottle on my back to easy the fever.. out of his surprise.. i cry out.. haha stupid right?? but i dunno why too.. the uncomfort ba... it scare dear out of his wits.. heehee sorry..

Nowadays i find that ppl like to write out their life into a story.. my kind is crow and sparrow cos maybe i like freedom just like a bird.. and some.. knight and hmm what that call i also dunno.. well overall.. hope the story end in a happy way.. and hope we will soon get over all this bad luck..

Today my stomach is still not that good.. hope a BK will cure me.. wahah dear not meeting me for lunch .. so with my colleague and my side raining.. we decide to eat BK.. pray hard the pain will not come back..

Friday 17/03/2006

Just change some of my profiles.. recently kinda addicted to hot soya bean.. so it has now climb to my fav drink chart.. if you are buying for me dun forget to buy it without sugar.. i dun take sweet.. and of cos.. Dear will not forget.. *winks* and some of the wishlist.. i have strike it off.. can see which one i strike off ma?? time de.. cos no more needed the extra time to do anything.. time to me.. is just a record how a day has pass so fast and how long i have seperate from my dad... i know i know.. here i goes again.. but just let me rant a while.. i soon will get over.. it is just like how i tell Xiubao.. We Xiubao is strong and nothing can beat us down..

Cold... office is so cold today.. imagine now i am wearing two jackets and yet i still feel cold.. actually the cold is come within me.. not the outside exterior effects.. i dunno.. maybe falling sick again.. haiz.. cannot cannot.. i already took so many leave.. cannot take anymore..

Guess what.. recently have been trying hard to gain back my weight.. everyday i had breakfast, lunch and dinner.. not a meal skip.. but my dinner will be intake less.. always at that time will feel like vomit when eat.. during last week everyone keep saying "Girl , you must eat a lot k.. you are too skinny.." haiz i know lah.. but cannot eat is cannot eat.. i know i have gone thin.. those places used to have fatty meat all gone.. haiz.. what is happening?? guess i stress out too much.. But lucky guess got Dear dad.. as i guess since everything all over he will cook a lot of thin to pump fat into me.. just like wee sze.. OMG can you imagine me change into become wee sze? *shakign head* haha thanks god able to siam a fews weeks of all this as i cannot go to Dear home at the moment as my dad "spirit" is still at home.. i have to stay home.. infact i can sense him sitting at his usual chair looking at us.. or walking around.. i guess he dun wish to scare us.. but i do hope.. to dream of him and commuicate with him..

I dun blame you dun understand how i am thinking now.. i dun wish to give more explanation... now my temper is on exploding mood.. anytime will just trigger off.. Yes i might be over protective to nerd nerd.. but as i have said le.. she is my 10 plus years good frenz .. she stand a big place in my heart.. apart from I cannot and dun wish to take off dad off my mind.. i have to think my home matters.. that money problem i guess i cannot just let it go loose anything might just go wrong.. and my sis and auntie.. all about money and only one me.. i have to solve.. when there is problem.. no one want to come up to burden.. i have to clear all.. and now.. I am afraid ah kor will continue to depress from it.. i really wish he can stand up soon.. even the ending is not a good one.. i hope we still frenz and his life will be back to normal soon.. i hope to see his smile again.. I am tired.. what i wish is a bf to understand me and maybe to support me and not critize on the matters.. and end up i have to console another person.. i guess a quiet moment for me will be great..

One thing i found out and realise.. thing done is done there is no way to undo or treat as nothing happen.. there is no way to erase it off ... i have done the hurt to him and so it is always be there no matter what.. no matter even it had pass a few months.. this bother me as when it time to quarrel things will resurface it is a no way return thing.. maybe i should do something too...

Yesterday was a bad day for me.. very sleepy at work as nothing much at work.. and after work met up with Dear to go home together.. On our way back , while waiting for bus 73, Dear suddenly say he saw a frenz.. i look around finding but i say where where.. It was Sophia.. a ger who stay opposite me and Dear know her through clubbing.. dunno what came into me.. i ask " why, do you wanna go say hi to her?" obviously she pretend not to see Dear or maybe behind my back they did say hi.. On bus Dear chose a seat beside her and sit down.. i dunno that move kinda trigger my unhappiness out.. throughout the journey i treated Dear coldly and dun wish to talk..

Back at home.. my mood is still not good.. but i make a point.. to smile at my dad and talk to him about how is my work today.. Well.. thought everything is already solve for my dad case.. but actually NO.. some bitch out there dun wish to let go.. well.. have a talk with her le.. hope she will not try anything funny.. Overall.. my days.. is a bad and unhappy one.. hope today will be a better one..

This is not for me.. not for my memories..

Heard a shocking news this morning.. not sure what really happen.. just got a rough idea.. but i guess my Dear nerd nerd is in a confuse state and she has make her decision.. well as a good frenz i should stand by her and respect her every decision.. but "rong xu wo shuo ji jiu hua"..

Getting into a relationship is not easy.. moreover has already walk so long to here le.. why give up each other due to unhappiness create by quarrel and misunderstanding?? Got which couple dun quarrel? and got what quarrel does not hurt and make each other feel like tired and giving up.. I do have the thinking and feeling.. but the moment i refresh back how i am able to get into this relationship and how hard are we both trying to maintain the relationship.. isn't that worth a second thought??

Not sure have you talk to other about this matter.. but if you have i hope that a ger.. as they will give a neutral suggestion rather than a guy.. cos you know my case.. why i nearly go into a break up.. guys are selfish thinker..

Overall.. i dun wish you to regret.. No regrets for any decision made.. anything.. i am just a call away.. k.. (^_^)

Back at work..

Monday le.. today a bit not use.. use to give dad his medication b4 i left for work.. but now.. seeing the bed there is no more him.. the chair he use to sit.. make me remind of him too..

Everything almost settle.. but family.. i am having problem to cope.. dun ask me what.. haiz.. i dunno.. maybe everyone is having a bad mood.. the way we talk to each other is kinda easy to burst into anger..

I am feeling fine.. better le bah.. just not use.. some time when do a things.. or ask a question.. my mind will flash.. my dad know the answer.. he know what to do...

Walking out from the grief and stepping out from the memory how he has left us really hard..

Last but not least..

" Thanks to Dear.. for helping me all the way.. even to skip lesson to stand by my side and there to support me when i need him..Not to forget Janet and her sis Siew Siew.. they help out during the nights of wake.. and lastly Dear Dad.. purposely took leave to came on friday.. and lend us the car with no commitment for transport.. and thanks to all who came to the wake.. "

In Memory For My Dad

(Who Left Us On 06/03/2006, 2pm)

Accepting the fact that he is leaving us is hard.. it will be harder when it happen.. and it has already.. On the Monday morning , has already sense something is wrong.. and my colleague allow me to go back home to accompany him.. though i was confirm this month only.. Lucky i chose to went home.. as after a fews hours of struggle.. he left.. without telling us anything..

I am not regret.. Cos during the time he is unwell.. i told him of how i feel .. how much i love him.. but all this changes when i heard a auntie talk about him.. He did not tell me of how he feel.. how boring he is at home.. and all this while he has been tolerating the pain.. I feel i did not do enough for him.. else he swallow all this inside his heart.. not to let us worried .. he is a good man with all his heart devoted into his family.. even for frenz he will help all his way to help them.. but ppl.. just took him for granted and cheat him.. maybe i am bad.. but i do curse those ppl.. i hope they will be haunt by their guilt..

Nothing much to blog already.. all is in my mind.. my heart.. memories is not able to be taken away though i know.. it will fade.. i use a box to kept all my memories for my dad .. it will be the only link between me and him le.. there is no other way i can still hears him nag at me.. or every morning.. the cute cute "bye bye" he tell us.. no more..

It is Friday...!!

Oh hi ppl.. Friday again.. finally a start of our weekend and a release for our stress.. This week seem to pass so fast.. but tired.. keke.. getting tired very easy recently and i need to sleep a lot.. wondering what is happening.. keke..

Weekend as usual will not be going where.. will be staying at my home.. maybe at home train DOTA.. ah kor if you happen to be at home and no one datin you out call me k.. we play DOTA.. haha.. cos i intend to left my Dear out.. he is suppose to "chiong" his assignment.. i hope when i am not with him he is able to concentrate more and do finish.. I hope he be able to get another 4 D for his subjects.. I am sure his parents will be happy to see that..

*yawns* I really began to think i sleep at night did i go sleepwalk.. how come every morning i am so tired.. but usually the most tired moment is at work.. no one to talk to and just work work and work.. it could make a person sleepy too..

Back to my sickness.. haiz.. flu getting better now.. but the sore throat seem to come and goes.. and one more stupid thing.. my neck pain.. Zzz i cannot tilt my head right.. all movement consider to right have to do it gentle and only small part action.. so pain.. Hope i will get better tomolo.. but well tomolo after my work i can sleep and rest bah.. by next week will be well and full of energy again... haha

Sick Cat

Hmm have been sick for a long time.. finally yesterday i decide to give myself a break and go see a doctor.. haiz.. but at home i cannot rest too much too.. Dad is recently having problem to eat and even medicine hard to swallow.. try all kinds of method to help him.. but some medicine too bitter causes him to vomit even more..

Time with dad awake has been becoming more precision now.. as his tumor getting bigger inside he will be more tired then b4.. so sometime even while talking to him he can just fall asleep..

Happy 10th Month Anniversary

Oops sorry i am late.. it should be yesterday to post this.. but becos i am not in office so unable to post..

Dear it has been 10 month we have been together.. there is sweet and sour and even bitter in our relationship.. till now we even still working hard to accomodate each other.. getting use.. not to forget your temper.. Thanks for all this while you are there to help me on my dad case.. if not there you.. i guess i have gone crazy le.. Very fast it will be our 1 year anniversary.. wah can you imagine 2 more months to go only.. it just seem we have just been together for a few months..

I hope.. We are able to get to celebrate a very happy 1 Year Anniversary and our birthday too.. *winks*

I love you Dear